Broken Squeak Toy Laugh
I laugh every day. I think too much and internalize it far too often. This is the release.8.
I’ve decided to spend a few posts talking about people that mean a great deal to me.
My father is a man that has been such an impacting, life-changing factor in my life. Before I was a Christian, before I even knew a lick about Jesus, I couldn’t stand my parents. I fought with them all the time. I fought with myself all of the time. Everything was a battle and with everyone I was combative.
9 years ago, my father started kidney dialysis because his kidneys work 12%. Four years ago I gave Jesus my life and I piddled around for a good long time before my baptism the year after that. In these four years not only has God given me a whole different outlook on life, God has also given me the best relationship with my parents that I can imagine. My father is one of my best friends.
I know that it’s weird to give backstory that makes it seem like I was an awful person, but before God I was a wretch. Only through the power and grace of God have I come to appreciate all that this man has done for me. I sat at his bedside last week as he struggles with another complication. And I know that every second I have with him is a gift and I will never ever lose sight of that again.
This man has taught me that laughter is essential. He can laugh in the hospital bed. He can laugh in every situation. And that’s something that I want to saturate my life with: joy that cannot be taken away.
7.
The things that I have learned from sitting at the hospital? That list is infinitely long, but let me muse over the ones that are pressing on my heart as I sit updating from a computer in (yet another) the waiting room.
- People everywhere talk much too loudly on their cellphones. If you have to yell, they need to turn up their hearing aids. Please ask them to do so, because I don’t want to wear one at the age of 21.
- No one knows what’s going on. No matter how fancy the high-tech equipment is at the hospital, no one really knows when your dad went into surgery or exactly when they could be done. (The prediction is definitely AFTER visiting hours are over, obviously)
- The hospital coffee IS good coffee.
- The fact that there is also a Wendys in the hospital is indication that the cafeteria food is JUST THAT delicious.
- The nurse manager WILL begin to recognize you if you come in every day and always go straight for the Coke machine behind the station.
- Male nurses that use Nair and confess to their third-degree burns…well you can draw your own conclusions about those.
I wish that I was more hopeful, patient, and understanding. I think those are on the list of things God is trying to teach me.
6.
Today my heart was very much softened. For so long I’ve been mulling around this ridiculous inclination I have for self-loathing. Last night I was listening to Max Lucado (a podcast nerd?!) and I heard a quote that made me sob, “If you think too little of yourself, you’re thinking too much of yourself.” And I guess that’s been me for so long. But, I don’t want to be like that forever, you know. Today a little kid just brimming with contagious joy told me that I was beautiful. He kept saying, “You’re beautiful!” and “Thank you! You’re beautiful!” And I guess for so long I’ve been wanting to hear things of that sort.
Truth is, God’s always been willing to say that sort of thing to me. But, I had to stop and hear a little boy tell me that. My nieces are here for a short visit and it is wonderful because they are wonderful.
4.
It is obvious to me, (blatantly so) that I must be more discerning about the media that I consume. I sing songs for HOURS after I hear just a line. I get really ridiculous when it comes to any type of shows that make me the slightest bit nervous. While I fully believe that everything is good and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer, I also fully believe that sometimes you just have to say no. And, I’m going to have to say no to a lot more television shows.
I polled some friends and I was saddened by the small number that actually know the cuppycake song. I thought everyone knew it.
3.
I love feeling the rain splash across my cheeks, down my arms. I love the sound of rolling thunder. The sky is illuminated tonight. All of this reminds me so much that God is huge and, in comparison, I am so very tiny and minuscule, but He is still mindful of me.
Jeremiah: 37I am angry at the people of Jerusalem, and I will scatter them in foreign countries. But someday I will bring them back here and let them live in safety. 38They will be my people, and I will be their God. 39-41I will make their thoughts and desires pure. Then they will realize that, for their own good and the good of their children, they must worship only me. They will even be afraid to turn away from me. I will make an agreement with them that will never end, and I won’t ever stop doing good things for them. With all my heart I promise that they will be planted in this land once again. 42Even though I have brought disaster on the people, I will someday do all these good things for them. (CEV)
If you didn’t know, this is the promise that God has made to us, for us. We are the ones who share in this new covenant, these some days. I cry just thinking about how undeserving I am.
Today I stood and smelled the rain rolling in. I was so thankful, and felt so new.
2.
I only know a thing or two. Without denial or hesitation I know that I want to be there as children mature and grow in the faith. More and more I worry that I might have heard God wrong when He told me to go into ministry. Maybe this is my almost-graduation-sputter, but my heart is in a million places as of late. The truth is? I don’t care about money or accolades. What matters to me is reaching out and changing the life of a child: showing them that God’s love is available and intended for them, whatever field that may be. I just wish I had some idea of a direction to go. For now I am spinning in circles.
Home is a wonderful place to be. Today was the fruit market, grocery store, and the discovery of another peach cat.
1.
Quietly I muse about the lengthy duration of my collegiate career. I feel older, know more, and love more deeply. I am laughing so much more these days than years that have passed before. Camp is oh-so-soon and my heart tingles with every rememberance of that fact. Home sweet home for Spring Break that has come a lot later than everyone else’s. I don’t mind, but now I feel like I am running out of time.
